Good Enough To Give?

Hello, dear one!

Have you ever wondered why people get involved with voluntary organizations? Are they aware of what drives them to give?

Each year, a few associates would invite me to join a missionary trip to underdeveloped countries, but I haven’t been in the season for the lofty expeditions, and honestly, I never thought much about them.

This year, when one of my close nurse friends called me to pray for her missionary trip, it widened my perspective on the intentions behind these trips.

After dedicating 42 years to nursing, my friend retired two years ago.

When we worked together, she would kindly fill in shifts for other nurses who needed a day off, and she was most dependable for showing up on holidays.

Because of her work-induced exhaustion, she overlooked the needs of her husband and her three children. Her husband eventually opted for a divorce, and she’s been struggling to connect with her children at a deeper level.

After the divorce, she regularly worked extra shifts to support her three college-age children. All of them were spared from student loans because of her effort.

As the system is designed, the children now are jiggling between their jobs and families. They each take turns to visit her, but there seems little in common while together. The disconnection is subtle but pesky.

Her best friend encouraged her to join a church and strive for a missionary trip from afar. 

Against the backdrop of the daily humdrum and the mundane, as she told me, this trip helped ignite the fire inside because she found a new vessel to do good for others.

As she was raving about her trip, I bit my tongue with a thought that she wasn’t ready to receive: Are you still working hard to prove that you’re good enough?

As much as I admire people who selflessly and courageously go the extra mile to help others, I also have learned a psychological aspect of giving. 

Like many, I was brainwashed since childhood to give generously as a virtue. I’ve given under good wills, obligation, envy, pressure, and even fear and guilt. However, I was mostly an unconscious giver; I gave without checking in with my feelings first. 

Here is a simple truth: Everything anyone ever tries to do is to feel good inside.

Whether you strive for a college degree, a job promotion, a fancy car, a designer bag, a spring clean-up, a dream vacation, an obligatory family gathering, or an altruistic missionary trip, it is ultimately for you to feel good inside. 

But, you may not be aware of it.

How many times have we, consciously, asked ourselves before committing to an act? Am I good enough NOT to have it and still feel good enough inside? Am I good enough NOT to give my time, my money, and my energy?

My nurse friend is unaware that she’s on this missionary trip to feel good inside. However, will a missionary trip mitigate her loneliness and fill her void of human connection?

Charity is not always for the receivers; it’s sometimes for the giver to feel more abundant, superior, useful, and powerful than others. 

Not aware of this, upon my friend’s return, the high may fade away until she searches for the next “feeling good” enterprise.

To effectively transform an underprivileged population, don’t give them stuff for a short period, like water filters. After four months, where can they get the replacement? Isn’t it cruel to watch them back to drinking dirty water?

They didn’t know the difference between dirty water and clean water before, but now they know. Will they be happier after the short-lived clean water experience?

Benjamin Franklin’s wisdom has significantly shaped my perspective on helping the poor and raising independent children,

“I am for doing good to the poor, but…I think the best way of doing good to the poor, is not making them easy in poverty, but leading or driving them out of it. I observed…that the more public provisions were made for the poor, the less they provided for themselves, and of course, became poorer. And, on the contrary, the less was done for them, the more they did for themselves, and became richer.”

Applying his philosophy, the right way is to help them build a factory to manufacture water filters, create jobs for the locals, garner wealth together, and teach them to manage wealth for generations to come.

Poverty is a reflection of low living standards in consciousness. If the poor can build up their self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-respect, they would eradicate poverty inside out.

My mentor once said to me, “If you really want to help someone, give yourself unconditional love first. When you’re relaxed and satisfied, your giving cup is overflowing with infectious joy. The giving is most genuine when you feel good enough inside.”

With love, I challenge you to ask yourself before the next giving: “Why am I giving? Am I feeling good enough to give? Am I still good enough if I choose not to give?”