Hello, dear one!
You’re at a relationship crossroads.
You’ve been pondering: Should I stay a little longer, or should I leave?
If this is your question, I want to hug you as a transformed divorcee and tell you that you’re not alone. Many of us have stopped at this crossroads, like Paul.
It had been three years since Paul worked hard on his marriage and himself. After sixteen-month monthly visits with a psychologist provided by his corporation, he decided to seek a relationship coach for clarity.
Paul met his wife at work. She worked in the human resources department and had a computer system crash. It was Paul who rode on his tech wizard horse and saved the princess.
They had been married for ten years, with an eight-year-old daughter and a five-year-old son.
The facade of their marriage represented typical America’s middle-class couple, with two working professionals building a comfortable lifestyle for their two children.
They were tired. They fought. They made up. They fought again. Then the fights stopped.
Being an introvert, Paul was challenged to express his emotions in words. But he was also an empath. He sensed something was wrong and was too afraid to confront it until one night.
After the kids went to bed, his wife looked straight into his eyes and said, “I need to talk to you.”
They did, in the kitchen. That night, Paul slept on the floor of his son’s bedroom.
His wife told him that she had an affair with someone from another department, and she was sorry beyond words. She cried and cried. He listened in silence, speechless.
In the morning, back in the kitchen, he collected enough courage and asked her, “Why did you do that? How did I lose you?”
She burst into tears, “When I needed you, you were never there for me. I always feel alone living in this house with you. My heart feels dead around you…”
Paul had felt the same way about their relationship. After their daughter was born, they lost at least 80% of their intimate connection time. After their son arrived, he felt numb many times. He was tired, mentally and physically. After coming home from working extended hours, he just wanted to be left alone.
Paul came from a broken family and was desperate to stay together for the kids. His wife also genuinely wanted to stay in for the kids.
They both agreed to see a marriage therapist.
This was three years ago.
Paul and his wife worked many ways to reconnect with each other, but the feeling wasn’t there anymore.
The harder he tried, the more he resented his wife and mostly, himself. He thought he had forgiven her and himself, but the feeling of resentment kept coming back.
The weekly coaching meeting was an eye-opening experience.
It helped open his consciousness about himself. In the coming months, Paul found clarity on three discoveries that answered his question: Should I stay or should I leave my marriage?
First, Paul learned to listen to the voice of love and fear.
Through personalized breathing, Paul began to tune into his inner voice.
Paul was a computer programmer, and this took some time for him to connect his mind with his heart.
The voice of love and fear was constantly chattering in Paul’s head. Sometimes the voice of love is stronger than the voice of fear, but sometimes it was the opposite.
The voice of fear told Paul: You can’t see your children daily. They will grow up in a broken family because of your selfishness. The cost of living is rising; it is too expensive to keep this house and rent an apartment. We have too many financial interests tied up together, and it will be a huge loss to what I’ve worked so hard for. I’ll be a laughing stock to all my family and friends. I’m a failure. I failed to satisfy my wife’s needs.
The voice of love told Paul: It’s okay you can’t let go of things you care about the most. It’s okay you’re still resentful no matter how hard you’ve tried to forgive. I’m forty-nine now and deserve to live my truth for the rest of my life. I can rent a room instead of an apartment. I’m creative and can find tech gigs to supplement the extra cost. My kids will love me no matter what. My wife and I both deserve to have a happy ending.
As Paul became more aware of listening to his voices, he was guided to the next step.
Second, Paul learned to ask himself the right questions.
The question should NOT be: Should I stay or leave?
The questions should be: If I choose to stay, how will we stay? If I choose to leave, how will we leave?
The clarity Paul gained through the weekly coaching meetings empowered his self-truth: I will decide to stay or leave. I’m writing my book every day. What do I want for my story to end?
He asked himself repeatedly: If I choose to stay, how will we stay? Will my wife and I be able to resume our passion and forgive each other completely? Will I feel fulfilled or cheated to stay? If the kids and money are not the conditions, will I still want to stay? Can I make my wife happy or I’m just fooling myself? Will we continue to argue and resurface our old issues? Does my heart feel contracted or expanded while thinking of staying?
Paul continued to ask himself: If I choose to leave, how will we leave? Can we be gracious with each other and cooperate in peace to raise our kids? Have my wife and I come to end on our joint journey? Will we each become more of a whole being after releasing each other? Will our kids be better off with two separated and happier parents than one miserable marriage? Does my heart feel contracted or expanded while thinking of staying?
During these weeks, Paul continued to raise his consciousness. He got clearer discerning the loving voice from the fear voice. He became aware that asking wiser questions would help improve his quality of life.
Paul had a breakthrough, a revelation experience. This led to his last discovery.
Third, Paul is on his perfect path.
The late Dr. Wayne Dyer used to say, “We are not human beings in search of a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings emersed in a human experience.”
As two spiritual beings, Paul and his wife had a “soul contract.” There was no mistake or accident. Both of them were in this relationship to learn their lessons.
Through these weekly coaching meetings, Paul realized that they were a perfect “soul match,” at this chosen period. Their marital turmoil was part of their learning journey; he needed to learn lessons of forgiveness and self-discovery.
To Paul’s surprise, he was on the right physical path at the right time because he could finally feel the congruence of both his physical journey and spiritual journey. What he’d been experiencing physically, the pain, doubt, guilt, shame, fear, and resentment, opened the floodgate of his self-actualization.
Paul gradually felt hopeful as he saw the spiritual journey superseding the physical journey. He was perpetually guided, and the Universe never ceased to support him.
Paul had long battled with self-worth, but now, he would use this crossroads to define himself. I’m going to be all right no matter which way I go, he thought to himself.
For the next few months, Paul continued to work on himself. He discovered many ways to love himself and found gratitude everywhere.
By now, you probably guessed it!
Yes, Paul and his wife ended up with a divorce. However, it was a happy ending for both of them.
His wife moved out to live with her mother and left the house to Paul and the kids. There were no child custody fights; they both showed up at the kid’s performances and games. They had won the most victorious battle for themselves and chose to respect each other while claiming their truth.
Now you’ve read Paul’s story, how are you feeling and doing?
This crossroads experience is unique for each individual. Some have mended their hearts and stayed together happily ever after.
The decision to stay or leave is an inside job.
If you find yourself at a relationship crossroads, let’s chat. Let me learn more about you with my FREE 45 to 60 minutes chat.